Day Two: Something with which you struggle
I've been raised to be an academic. I'm from an area where everyone went to college....and to a good college at that. Most continue on to graduate school and get high powered jobs in their fields. I've always been one to want to do my own thing, but the pressure from the community was often too great to resist.
I went to a good college, got a few degrees, and then, as was expected, continued on to graduate school. The problem: graduate school wasn't really what I wanted. The expectations of society, so ingrained in me, made me think this was a good idea.
It is a struggle to get through each reading, to fill my days with academic bullshit when I know that the world is sitting outside my bedroom, outside my textbooks, waiting for me. I'm here because I didn't want to let anyone down. I'm here because I wanted my parents to be able to say "yeah, she's gay...but she went to grad school" and get some redeeming points for the fact that I'm, in society's eyes, a fuck-up for who I sleep with.
But yet, each time I have to sit down and read theory, I feel the pain, almost a physical pain of not wanting this for myself. That I think I've learned enough to not be a bumbling asshole in the world....to make a difference without oppressing. The rest is postmodern/poststructuralist fluff. I don't need to know poetic meter to make a difference in the world. But yet, for some reason, I'm still here.
2 comments:
There are some folks whom you'll never please. Not because there's something wrong with you, but because there's something wrong with them.
Do you know what it is that you DO want?
Grad school is no fun unless it's what you really want to do.
Post a Comment