Day Eight

Day Eight: Something you hope to change about yourself and why

I hate to admit it, but I'm sensitive. It kinda doesn't jive with the whole strong-butch thing. Although I do think that butches and men should be allowed and encouraged to cry and feel, and be all of the things that are associated with "woman's emotions". But I'm the type of person who doesn't like people to know I cry. But I am secretly really, really sensitive.
I'm not sure what part of that I'm least comfortable with: the fact that am super sensitive or the fact that I am uncomfortable with my sensitivity. I think I'd like to become a more whole emotional being...one who isn't afraid to show emotions, and who isn't so sensitive that the littlest things are taken personally.
Because I am one of those who will find meaning if meaning wasn't there. So often I'll have to ask others "was this meant in the way that I understood it?" because I genuinely don't know whether or not I should be hurt. My reaction is immediately just "ouch!". Often that "ouch" is warranted, but sometimes it's just me. And on those occasions, it's pretty damn hard to get me calmed down once I'm rattled up.
I think I want to be more secure in my emotions. I want it to be okay that I'm sensitive, that when you jab at me, I hurt. Well, I'd rather we all get along and you stop fucking poking at me, but if you have to stab, I want it to be okay that it hurts. And I want to be okay with expressing that.

 One of my guilty pleasure songs....Goo Goo Dolls, "Better Days". Lyrics